Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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