I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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