my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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