Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
