She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
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