I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Randomize
