i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I queefed so loud it echoed.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
