so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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