I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
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