just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Randomize
