if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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