I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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