so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
love makes seman taste better
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Randomize
