Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
