Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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