Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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