it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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