i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
