what if every blade of grass was a penis?
going to class early so i have time to go on the moonbounce. this is why i go to art school.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
