So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Randomize
