Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
