she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
