i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
