Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
