textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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