If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
