I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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