I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize