his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
