a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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