At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I'm getting married
To pizza
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
