the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
