I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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