True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
