i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Randomize
