yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
