You work out of a Hotel?
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
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