if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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