My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
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