Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I wish i was in the wii world.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
