Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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