I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
