We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
Randomize