That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
I haven't been this sober since birth.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Josh has a goal of being naked in every RAs room this year. He's already 3/11.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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