Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
