at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Shitshow foam night was such a success
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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