Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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