I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
