just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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