went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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