im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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