I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
