just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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