i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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