My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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