I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
