you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
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