if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Randomize
