i love accidental penises.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
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