My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
