He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
