My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
