I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
